He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
