I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
