My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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