i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
40s are totally the cure
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
