i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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