He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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