Nicole vs. Life
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
