onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
