I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
