If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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