If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize