I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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