I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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