Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
