If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
50% drunk capacity currently
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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