Sober January is a disaster.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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