Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
