I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
