I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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