...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize