He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
