what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
