Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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