I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
