Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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