i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
