i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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