The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
