I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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