I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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