Im at strip club and am horny
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
