Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Text me some of your sweat
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
