My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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