I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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