I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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