I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
