your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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