i was born a porn star she said
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
