The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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