I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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