theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
