Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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