Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
