I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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