I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
