He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
