he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
