The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
