I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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