Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
