dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
