Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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