There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
