you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
