how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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