How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
