i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
