I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
