im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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