She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize