If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
