and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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